Oh, Balls!

Bocce, that is. When I plan parties, I think it's very important to have activities for your guests. Keeping your guests active will not only ensure success of the event, but will somewhat force everyone to mingle and create lasting memories. Think about it...When was the last time you remembered what a great time you had sitting on the couch at a party, doing nothing but staring at people you didn't know. Not so memorable, huh? Remember the party host equation: Party + Activity(s) = Success! With this in mind, I always have karaoke at my events, but in the summer, I have outdoor activities for the guests as well. For our Housewarming Party, we built regulations size horseshoe pits that were framed with pressure-treated wood, cemented-in stakes, and filled with sand. It was definitely one of the hits of the party, yet somewhat dangerous while everyone was throwing with a cocktail in-hand. It's all fun and games until someone spills a cocktail.

Another outdoor activity that I planned for the party was bocce ball. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the sport, bocce ball is basically lawn bowling of Italian origin. As a child, my full-blooded Italian Grandparents took us to picnics where bocce ball was always played...by old, Italian men, not by the women or kids, of course. They played with their balls and talked about made men...I think. Anyway...when I bought my first home years ago, I purchased a bocce ball set from Target (correctly pronounced as "Tar-Zhay"). When I pulled out the bocce case for the Housewarming Party, I noticed that one ball was missing! It must have been lost at the final party at my previous home. How do you lose a bocce ball in a back yard of no trees and a dried creek bed? I'm sure a maroon ball would stick out like a sore thumb! Way to go, guests. I guess that I should expect that you're bound to lose *something* when there's alcohol involved.

Well, I needed a complete bocce set for the party, so I called the maker of the set, Sportcraft, to order a replacement ball. Unfortunately, I was told that Sportcraft no longer makes my specific model number...of course...so, I asked the customer service rep if she could at least find me a close match to the rest of the balls within the set. She responded that she would need a measurement so she could plug this into the search engine on her computer. I asked if she wanted the diameter, and she responded, "I don't know. I just need a measurement." Uh, okay. It was safe to assume that is what she needed, so I measured a ball from the set and gave her the measurement of 3.5". She told me that she needed the measurement to be in millimeters. Aggravated sigh. My tape measure did not have the metric system on it, so I told her that I would Google the conversion (since she was NOT willing to help me). She asked me to HURRY UP since she had other incoming calls. At this point, I wanted to measure my middle finger and give her that measurement instead. Meanwhile I purposely called on a Friday since people are usually in a good mood on the last day of work before the weekend. In this case, it obviously did not matter. Why?...Sportcraft, LTD is located in New Jersey. I'm just sayin'. Raised and born in the friendliest city in the US, Pittsburgh, I remained polite and told her that I would call back with the correct metric measurement.

I called back minutes later and received another customer service rep...thank G-d! Once again, I explained my ball replacement request. I specifically told her that I needed a 90 mm bocce ball, maroon in color with square scoring and weighing 1 lb. 9.5 oz. This rep was definitely more patient than the previous one and spent some time finding a "perfect match", so she said. Score! I was charged $7.99 for the ball plus $7.95 shipping and handling in the total amount of $15.94. I was finally done with the Sportcraft drama and I could move on to other important tasks for the party. Not so fast...don't celebrate just yet.

A week later, I received the replacement ball in the mail. Let's see...how do I sum it up? How about...@#*!! Not only was the ball the wrong color (maroon with square scoring vs. pale red with no scoring), it weighed light as a feather. Are you kidding me? And, the rep had told me that she found the perfect match!? I guess that I should feel grateful she wasn't working for Match.com when I was matched with my fiance! Return to Sportcraft drama. I called the company once again and I was told that they can only search for balls in the system according to size, no other details. I tried to explain how ball weight is so important in the game, but once again...do you think New Jersey cared? I think not. I asked for information on returning the ball and I was told that they would not pay for shipping, but they would refund me for the cost of the ball. Okay, so let me get this straight...I will pay $7.95 in shipping to return the ball, then I will be refunded $7.99 for the returned ball. In the end, I will receive 4 cents...for my aggravation. At that point, a million other "what to do with this ball" ideas popped in to my head! So, I SHOVED IT into the bag with the rest of the balls.

In the end, I learned a valuable lesson, as I hope you do too reading this post: Always keep an eye on your balls!

~Your Party Host and owner of "The Simple Laugh"

http://www.thesimplelaugh.com/